“I met my identical twin—at 35”

These mirror-image sisters grew up within 70 miles of each other. But until 2004, neither knew the other existed.
How would you feel if you were in their shoes?
As told to Mikki Halpin

It’s a common fantasy: imagining you have a double out there who looks just like you, a secret twin. For Elyse Schein, that fantasy became reality three and a half years ago. Adopted as an infant, Elyse, a filmmaker who grew up in New York state and was living in Paris, set out to find her birth mom in 2002. The search revealed that though her mother had died in 1978, Elyse had an identical twin, a writer named Paula Bernstein, also an adoptee, in New York City. Separated at birth, neither sibling knew about the other. Now coauthors of the book Identical Strangers, they talk to Glamour’s Mikki Halpin about their mind-blowing reunion.

GLAMOUR: What was it like to learn you had a twin?

ELYSE: I was shocked; I’d always said to friends that I felt like I was missing a twin, but only as a metaphor.

PAULA:: It really complicated things and confused me. I was married, I had a child and a career; my life was settled.

GLAMOUR:: How did you feel the first time you met?

ELYSE:: When we spoke on the phone, Paula’s voice sounded so much like mine that I was worried we’d look exactly alike--and that it would make me feel less unique. When we met, it was actually a relief to see we weren’t absolute carbon copies.

PAULA:: The funny thing, and I think it’s healthy, is that each of us considers herself to be the prettier twin.

ELYSE:: The way we express ourselves is shockingly similar, though. I’ll think, Do I actually make that gesture? Do I sound like that when I’m angry? So I’m confronted with things about myself that aren’t always nice.

GLAMOUR:: Was there an instant bond?

PAULA: That first meeting was like a blind date that went incredibly well and was almost love at first sight. Afterward, I started to feel as if I had committed to a long-term relationship with somebody I didn’t yet fully know. I started to have doubts, which we had to work through.

ELYSE: I was less ambivalent. From the beginning I felt committed; any way Paula wanted me in her life would be fine.

GLAMOUR: Paula, what was the source of your doubt?

PAULA: Learning about Elyse’s existence challenged my notion of what family meant. I had grown up believing that blood alone doesn’t make someone family, so I had a hard time suddenly embracing this person who was close to me and yet a total stranger.

GLAMOUR: Do you think about what your lives would have been like if you hadn’t been separated?

ELYSE: I used to see twins walk by on the street and think, What would we have been like together? It was a strange situation because I felt that we should have been raised in the same home—but I also accept the life that I have and can’t imagine it different. Now I’m not haunted by that thought as much.

PAULA: I think it frustrated Elyse that I wasn’t really willing to play the “what if” game. I think she’s more romantic and I’m more of a realist.

GLAMOUR: Nature versus nurture: Which do you think plays a bigger role in forming people’s identities?

PAULA: That’s a tricky question. I always thought that nurture was more important, and now I see that it’s really the interplay between the two.

ELYSE: Our environments were quite different, and I think that we are quite different people—although we have some major traits that come from genetics, like our ambition.

GLAMOUR: What is your relationship like today?

PAULA: We both live in New York City and have dinner every week or two. We e-mail daily, and Elyse babysits my kids.

ELYSE: I see her as closer than a best friend. My friends who have sisters used to describe this kind of relationship; now I understand it. Plus, we celebrate our birthday together!